We hear a lot these days about “self-care”. For me, this term conjures images of wine, scented candles, and bubble baths – things that, for me on many (most) days, feel like trying to treat a hemorrhage with a Band-Aid. On those days, I need something a little stronger.
Like many people, I tend to be pretty hard on myself. I’m a people pleaser, an apple polisher, a recovering workaholic, and since becoming pregnant with my first child almost a decade ago, maternal guilt has been my old friend. One of my daughters was found to have two cavities at a recent dentist appointment, and my first thought on hearing the news was how they must have been caused by my parental negligence. Cue the guilt. This morning I noticed for the first time a card tucked into my son’s backpack that he received over a week ago inviting him to a birthday party that took place last weekend. More guilt.
I could be awash in a sea of guilt most days for anything and everything. Spending too much time on work. Spending too little time on work. Ordering pizza for dinner (again). Not getting enough exercise. Letting my kids watch Youtube videos of adults unboxing children’s toys ad nauseum. Fortunately, cultivating some self-compassion has helped me walk back from the precipice of guilt and shame many a time.
Dr. Kristin Neff wrote the book on self-compassion (literally – she wrote a book called Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself). Neff is a research psychologist whose personal interest in Buddhism and meditation practice led her to pioneer research into the field of self-compassion. Neff says that the three elements of self-compassion include self-kindness, recognizing our common humanity, and mindfulness, detailed in the excellent graphic from @crazyheadcomics below:
Neff argues that to be self-compassionate, we should treat ourselves as we would a good friend – offering the same support, kindness, and tenderness to ourselves in challenging times as we would to a good friend under the same circumstances; understand that we’re human and, as a result, imperfect, and that everyone faces obstacles and challenges from time to time; and keep perspective in the moment to help us avoid overblowing our situation. In moments where we find we’re judging ourselves harshly, mired in self-recrimination and self-flagellation over perceived shortcomings or failures, Neff’s research suggests that we’re significantly better served by practicing self-compassion – unsurprisingly, in studies around the world, she has found that self-criticism is strongly linked to depression and dissatisfaction with life.
So why do we judge ourselves so harshly? Neff suggests that there are a number of reasons. First, she argues that there’s a biological component that hard-wires us for self-criticism – we’re social animals, and self-criticism can serve as a type of safety behaviour designed to help us ensure acceptance by our social group – if I judge myself before you judge me, it helps me buffer myself against my fear of rejection and abandonment. Neff argues that there’s a cultural component as well. In cultures where individual achievement and independence are valued, for example, if we fall short of our perceptions of what makes someone a success, we blame ourselves. We also often view self-criticism as a motivating force to drives our ambition; if I criticize myself when I fail to meet my own expectations of myself, I may believe that it will motivate me to work harder. There’s also a gender factor at play. As Neff notes in Self-Compassion, “our research shows that women tend to have slightly lower levels of self-compassion than men do, largely because they tend to judge and criticize themselves more often. At the same time, there is ample research evidence showing that women tend to be more caring, empathetic, and giving toward others than men.” Women often take on a caregiving role in many of their most important relationships, but then become less inclined to extend care to themselves when they need it.
While self-criticism is part of the human condition – we all do it from time to time – it can have disastrous consequences if left unchecked, including loss of confidence and trust in ourselves and, in extreme situations, can lead to self-destruction. But understanding that we all fall victim to it, acknowledging it when it surfaces, and, as Neff argues, attempting a kinder, more compassionate response to ourselves in our moments of suffering can be the answer. When we offer ourselves self-compassion, we’re more inclined to see our own individual value, to give ourselves grace, to recognize that we matter and, more importantly, that we deserve – nay, we owe ourselves – self-care. And once you establish that, you become a priority in your own life and give yourself the freedom to enjoy whatever nourishes your soul – including (but not limited to) those glasses of wine, scented candles, and bubble baths.
